the big day!

I have to say, the wait to find out if I am pregnant was horrific.  I am usually pretty calm and let things come as they may, but I really wanted a positive pregnancy test.  I went in at 8 am this morning to give blood and by noon, my stomach was in knots.  I was having a hard time focusing on work.  I sent Sara a text letting her know I still hadn’t heard anything and I emailed our nurse to see if there were any results.

About an hour later Sara called me with the news.  I stepped into a room to get away from all the office noise, then silence…more silence…then crying…was it happy crying, or sad crying?  Finally the silence broke and she told me it was negative.  I was in complete shock.  I mean I read about how other people felt pregnant, knew for sure they were and then they go their result only to find it was negative.  I wasn’t like all of them, I was different, I knew my body, I had to be pregnant.  This is when I decided I hated progesterone for all the fakery it had caused over the last two weeks.  I didn’t know what to say to Sara, she was so hurt and upset and all I could think about was how I had let them down somehow.

Now we only have two blastocysts left and then what?  I had gotten pregnant so easily with my two kids, that a negative result really wasn’t an option.  I held it together most of the day, feeling like I walked into a fog.  I got home and completely broke down, sobbing into my daughter’s arms, then my son’s, and finally Billy’s.

The emotion I had been feeling throughout the day was finally being released.  What I realized in that moment was how lucky I was to have a family of my own and how much I still wanted to help Sara and Derek.  Stopping now wasn’t an option, not because I am stubborn (which I am), but because I know there is a child for them and I hope that I can be the one to bring that baby into this world.

So now what? The good and bad news is that work is so busy and it will keep me occupied while I wait for my period to start and we go through the process again.  And if this round is unsuccessful, then we will retrieve more eggs and try again.  This journey has been so amazing filled with ups and downs and surprises along the way, how can I stop now?  Why would I stop now?